[Sarah] I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now, and the only time I feel secure is when I am with him. I want to go everywhere he goes, even if I really do not enjoy what he, and his friends have planned. I love to workout, but I will not go to the gym, until he has to go to work, or be somewhere. I get so jealous about anything related to other women. I even get upset, when I see a naked woman on TV. I am sad that he will be starting college this semester. I am worried that he will see beautiful college girls, and will want them, instead of me. Sometimes I scroll through his cellphone, to see whom he has talked to throughout the day. He has never cheated on me, and all the time gives me compliments, but I have major issues with trust and insecurity. I have such low self-esteem. I never want him to have “guy night” because I want to know what he is doing all the time. I know this behavior is unhealthy, but who can afford counseling these days? There have been times that he was going to break up with me, and I thought my life was over. I even had thoughts of suicide. Please help. I don’t know where else to write this, where I feel safe enough to express what is going on in my head. It hurts so much it wants to explode.
[Lydia] My family is dysfunctional. My mother, who has never given a toss about me, she is being abusive when she sees me, but usually indirectly, making out that I see myself as above them all. Her recent words were that I was spoiled, and that I need to wake up. They don’t like the fact that I am living my life the way I want to, and do not wish to live by their dysfunctional reigns of control.
Anyway, I have been distancing myself for a while, and usually after a while, my mother texts me saying she misses me and how ‘am I’, etc. Usually this is after a week. It’s been 2 & 1/2 weeks now and no message. Instead, I hear how she has been phoning my brother and they are all carrying on, as if I am not even alive. It hurts and I know I am doing the right thing by walking away, but at the same time, after 30 years of my life, it hurts that my mother is letting me go.
I have no contact with anyone else. I used to only spend my free time around them.
Redirection is the best way to cope with bouts of insecurity. Those who are insecure all the time must be retrained. The habitual patterns of thinking, imagining and visualizing must also be retrained, although it takes considerably longer to achieve a lasting success.
Insecurity creating factors:
1. Not taking responsibility and instinctively looking for someone else to blame.
A. Upbringing, parents, school, society, country and its government.
B. The primeval blame game tree has taken long roots and to poison those roots takes but a diluted solution of poison.
C. As it is the case with weed killers; it does not take much of the solution to kill weeds all the way down to their roots. It takes sometimes a week before one sees the effect. Almost the same is with the urge to blame someone else.
D. The urge to blame and be rid of the annoying guilt is almost automatic. Rational mind must face this reality and cope with it the hard way.
2. In order to grow and mature we need to overcome obstacles. If we don’t overcome them; then the obstacles will become our slave masters, and we their slaves.
A. This knowledge alone should help us refocus and tackle the problem head on. If we do not tackle this problem we will fall victims of commercialism and religious indoctrination.
B. We develop dependence on external dictation as to what I need and want, and how it will solve many of my problems. Buy helps, read and hear… endlessly so.
C. Often, that which really would solve your problem is subconsciously and oddly avoided. The reason for that is the heavily commercialized mind. The Bethlehem’s manger of Jesus’ birth was not flashy enough, nor was Nazareth an impressive town.
3. The Truth: diamonds and gold are hidden in the ground for which one must dig, and that takes an effort, and often much time.
A. Anything praiseworthy is rather expensive. There are no quick solutions to anything in this life, and that’s where overcoming plays the most significant role. For example artistic gold and diamond studded jewelry carries labor costs: finding gold and diamonds, the artist’s skill and sense of beauty, design and the assembly. Taking these factors into account one comes up with the final price.
B. Sensitivity is fine, but if you want to make it praiseworthy you must encase it with something resistant and hard. You cannot cater to your sensitivity, and pamper it.
C. The enclosure for your sensitivity is being tough on yourself, as if hammering down on yourself demanding the best. Those in performing arts do that all the time. They can’t afford to flaunt their sensitivities to the public, so they play a role of secure people.
Now, let’s wrap it all up. A ballerina mercilessly works her toes. An actor demands from himself the best, which is to portray a character most convincingly. It’s been said in Hollywood that Robert De Niro is the most disciplined actor. Al Pacino knows the secret of screen chemistry. These are tricks of the trade. Eventually, any portrayal of secure people creates a self-image, which may not be real, but what is real? Only God is real and the world He had created. Everything else is illusion.
Anyway, the real “you” is indeed dependent on the Higher Power all the time. There is no escaping from it. Call it the Big Bang or God, that force is real, and it gave you life; hence, life is not yours and you can’t live your life as you want to, because it is not yours to take, turn and twist. No woman is God. Humanity comes through women. All are vehicles, vessels and vassals, instruments of life, which the Creator is. This thinking helps us in decimating insecurity.
Find an area in your life that gives you satisfaction, be it artistic, mechanical, or scientific. Like a spark you can fan it until it turns into flames. Keep on perfecting that area of your life until you feel confident enough to share it with others and yes be proud of it. That pride is healthy because you worked on that God given gift. You have not squandered it however small it might have been. Not like the wicked steward who dug a hole in the ground and hid his one talent because he was afraid.
[Matthew 25:24-28] And the one also who had received the one talent came up and said, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow and gathering where you scattered no seed.  And I was afraid, and went away and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’  But his master answered and said to him, ‘You wicked, lazy slave, you knew that I reap where I did not sow and gather where I scattered no seed.  Then you ought to have put my money in the bank, and on my arrival I would have received my money back with interest.  Therefore take away the talent from him, and give it to the one who has the ten talents.’
“You wicked, lazy slave…” From this we learn that all normal people have hidden talents, large or small, but we all have them. Hiding behind sensitivity like fear and insecurity, which can be overcome, did not help the poor slave, did it?
Based on this story, also you can arise and polish that golden coin until it attracts divine light. The one who made ten talents received that excavated talent, and its steward was thrown into darkness. That means: his fear became the dreaded reality.
Everything in this life is there on purpose; it relates to overcoming, triumphing, and arising; be it codependency, insecurity, or even fear. It is in you to be conquered and ruled over. These emotional factors will always be in us and they are there to be mastered by you.